Have you ever wondered what your wife wants? I mean what she really wants. Because what men think their wives want and what they really want are two very different things.
Unfortunately, a large portion of marriage consists of two people making assumptions about one another. If your wife looks upset, you might immediately start internally guessing why she’s upset. If she says something that feels “off”, then your brain will probably go to work problem-solving to find the source of what’s causing it. And most, if not all, of these interactions are happening nonverbally.
In all of these assumptions that are being made, the true intent and needs of your wife can get lost along the way, and it isn’t long before the two of you start drifting apart due to unmet expectations.
So how can you prevent these disconnects from happening in your marriage? How can you give your wife what she wants and needs when she’s not telling you directly? Thankfully, women aren’t from Venus and what they want isn’t all that complicated. It isn’t usually what we think it is, but it turns out it’s pretty simple.
Here’s what your wife wants according to research:
Men often think that being a financial provider and being physically attractive are the most important traits they can have as a husband. But that’s not what women are most concerned with.
A research study on what women and men want from their spouses found that the number two preference of women was “dependable character” – second only to “physical attraction/love”. “Good looks” was ranked number 12 out of 18 for women, and “good financial prospect” was ranked number 10 out of 18.
So, instead of working endless hours to make more money and look better in order to impress your wife, focus more on being consistent and establishing a dependable track record of doing the right things over time even when no one’s looking.
Women want to be supported and cared for, and when their husbands are all over the place, it creates a chaotic environment that leaves them in angst.
In the study cited above, the number three ranked characteristic that women look for in a spouse is “emotional stability and maturity”. Another study found that after a stressful day, what women want from their spouses more than anything else is emotional support. What does emotional support look like? The women in the study classified it as “a hug, listening, and telling me that I’m awesome.”
So next time you’re wondering what your wife wants from you, she probably doesn’t want you to simply do more or act better (although those probably aren’t bad measures to take anyways). More than anything, she probably just wants you to be emotionally stable and supportive. And in order to do that, you have to first prioritize your own mental health so you’re able to be stable for your wife when she needs you.
In a separate study, researchers found that the number one trait women look for in a spouse isn’t looks, confidence, education, or wealth. The number one thing women said they wanted was kindness. That isn’t all that different from what the other study cited above found, since kindness is an expression of a dependable character and it’s a form of emotional stability, it’s no wonder it made the top of the list in this study as well.
As men, being kind can be one of the toughest things to do. We can make money, exercise, eat better, and take care of the house and kids. But when it comes to simply being nice, we struggle. As it turns out, though, that’s what your wife probably wants more than anything else.
Hold her hand when she isn’t expecting it. Give her a genuine compliment when you’re not expecting anything in return. Open her door for her. Do all the chivalrous things that feel outdated. Then, on top of those things, do some acts of service such as cleaning the house, taking care of the crying baby, and giving her a night to go out with friends without her having to ask. These are all expressions of kindness that show your wife that you’re both characteristically dependable and emotionally supportive.
The running joke in our culture is that men typically want to have sex more than women, but science says otherwise. One study found that men in established romantic relationships underperceive their romantic partner’s sexual desire. In other words, they assume that their wife doesn’t want to have sex when in fact she probably wants it much more than you know.
For men, as unhealthy as it is, sex can be transactional. But for women, their sex drive is connected to their needs and wants we’ve already covered. Before your wife is ready to engage physically, she needs to first feel supported emotionally. The way she feels emotionally supported is by you being consistent in your emotional investment both in your own character growth and by simply showing consistent kindness, selflessness, and compassion.
When you do these things, your wife is having her most important needs served, then she’s free to engage sexually. But women aren’t like men – when they’re stressed or feeling an emotional burden, they’re not interested in sex. So keep that in mind and serve your wife well in other areas without trying to get anything in exchange, and you’ll find that your sex life flourishes as a byproduct.